ChickSpeak

A few afternoons ago I was walking home from the subway in a wild New York thunderstorm.  Carrying three shopping bags and a large umbrella, I hardly noticed the young man strongly resembling The Office’s John Kasinsky standing next to me, with only a weathered baseball cap askew on his head to protect him from the rain.  We exchanged quick glances and my Southern mannerisms kicked right in.  I asked him if he would like to join me under my umbrella.  He politely declined, arguing that he was already soaking wet and just had to accept it. Flirtatious banter immediately followed and ten carefree and rain-soaked blocks later, we exchanged phone numbers. 

      The 1960s Hollies song, “Bus Stop” rang through my head the rest of the way home. Young women everywhere dream of stumbling into romantic hopefuls on the rain soaked streets of New York.  Sharing an umbrella and good conversation more often manifest themselves on the big screen than in real life. The sad truth of modern dating is that the majority of men and women rarely socialize with strangers in an everyday atmosphere, which makes meeting men during your everyday experiences more and more difficult.  Or perhaps that is just my opinion, having just experienced four years of the “hook up” college culture.

      The hooking up culture, despite posing obvious threats to one’s emotional and physical health, provides its willing participants with a way to engage with members of the opposite sex without the stress and responsibilities that are inherent to dating.  It is much easier to make out with someone and have him or her not call you, than tell someone “I really like you” and have him or her not call you.  With more of the positives left unspoken, the easier it is for one to accept the negatives unspoken. 

      Most young relationships start with a kiss, not a conversation.  So what happens when one or both persons involved want to take it to the next level?  They do so physically, not verbally.  The cycle continues and the more intimate a couple gets physically, the more difficult it is to find verbal intimacy.  First fights are resolved with physical rather than emotional dialogue.  More and more is left unsaid and eventually the oh so common phrase, “I don’t need to tell you, I like (or love) you, you already know!” is uttered.  

      During my final term in college, I studied abroad for six weeks in Ireland.  While a girlfriend and I were out to dinner in Dublin, we couldn’t help but notice the couple next to us.  Their dialogue suggested they were on a first date.  Questions such as “So where do you work?,” “Where did you grow up?,” and “You have five siblings?!” flew across the table.  Meanwhile, so did their appendages.  Continually running their legs together, holding hands, and kissing one another’s arms, their chemistry and physical comfort with one another suggested that these traits had somehow realized themselves prior to their first date.  I later shared these observations with a graduate friend of mine at Trinity College and he not only agreed with my assessment, he defended their behavior, arguing that dates require emotional and monetary investment and one should be sure they like a person before committing to such an institution.  I couldn’t help but compare this assessment to my own college experiences: why spend money on a girl and take her out to dinner and drinks when there is free food and drink at the fraternity house?  It seems that the merging and protection of assets in the American hooking up culture has gone global.   

      The most powerful and underutilized tools men and women have at their disposal are their voices.  While you’re in the beginning stages of a relationship, ask for a phone number, tell your expectations, or request more time before becoming intimate.  Save some things for a rainy day.