ChickSpeak

Your new squeeze has popped the question: Will you come home with me for the holidays?

Sure, it’s an honor to join his family for some turkey and seasonal bonding. But there’s a funny feeling in your gut, and it’s akin to nausea. After all, pop culture is riddled with meet-the-parents scenarios gone horribly wrong.

From “Pieces of April” to “The Family Stone,” movies have mostly taught us what not to do when meeting the parents for the first time.

Well, don’t choke. Inspired by “This Christmas,” the holiday family dramedy opening Wednesday, we asked dating and relationship coach Jeannine Kaiser to run through filmdom’s most nightmarish holiday relationship scenarios, provide the better approach, and the lessons learned.

Whatever you do, don’t comment on the turkey.

Lesson 1: The world does not revolve around you.

Scenario: In 2005’s “The Family Stone,” Meredith Morton (Sarah Jessica Parker) never stops talking on Christmas Eve. From the car ride to a local pizzeria and back, she yaps on about herself and how she and Everett Stone (Dermot Mulroney) met.

Kaiser’s take: Morton was self-involved and trying too hard to sell herself. “She was only interested in them knowing about her,” she says. “But you should get to know the person’s family. And that requires you asking them questions.” Kaiser says this provides insight about the person you’re dating, especially during the holidays. “All the muck comes up during the holidays, every family’s dysfunction. If you’re constantly talking, then you’ll miss big things.”

Lesson 2: Avoid a dramatic entrance.

Scenario: In 2003’s “Pieces of April,” April Burns’ (Katie Holmes) boyfriend Bobby (Derek Luke) meets her family for the first time by crashing onto the hood of their car on Thanksgiving with a bloody nose and a swollen eye. He’d just been in a fight. Naturally, her parents sped away.

Kaiser’s take: Be on time and avoid spontaneous or risk-taking behaviors before the folks arrive, especially if you’re hosting or greeting them. “Leave your garbage at the door,” Kaiser says. “Even if you’ve had a really bad day. They don’t know you well enough to help you. So just focus on being in the moment with these new people. Blend in.”

Lesson 3: Keep your paws off each other.

Scenario: In the forthcoming “This Christmas,” Melanie Whitfield (Lauren London) brings her boyfriend Devean Brooks (Keith Robinson) home for the holiday and into the kitchen closet for a make-out session. Of course, they get caught. Fortunately, the Whitfields are too immersed in their own drama to care.

Kaiser’s take: Keep your hands off each other, and don’t even think about sneaking into his bedroom at night. “If the parents ask you to sleep in separate bedrooms, do it,” Kaiser says. “It’s about respecting the house rules. And that has a long-term effect on the relationship. People read a lot into certain behaviors. And if you break the house rules, they’ll remember it.”

Lesson 4: Don’t act like a know-it-all.

Scenario: At Christmas dinner in “The Family Stone,” a clueless Meredith starts a discussion about nature verses nurture and how life is harder for gay children. She does this in the presence of the Stones’ well-adjusted gay son, Thad (Tyrone Giordano). Stuffy and self-righteous, she acts like she’s the first person to consider this theory. Who is she, Darwin?

Kaiser’s take: Under no circumstances should you bring up subjects like this, religion or politics. “Always err on the side of caution if you think it will cause drama at the table or controversy with the family,” Kaiser says. “The boyfriend also could have filled her in on the family’s position about their gay son. The more information you have about a family, the less likely you are to stub your toe.”

Lesson 5: If you’re not Rachael Ray, stay out of the kitchen.

Scenario: In “The Family Stone,” Meredith (Parker) takes over Sybil Stone’s (Diane Keaton) kitchen to make batches of strata, a breakfast dish that is a tradition in her family, without asking permission or checking for food allergies or aversions. To make matters worse, it turns out Everett (Mulroney) is allergic to mushrooms, a main ingredient in the dish, and everyone in the room is aghast she didn’t know this important piece of information about her own boyfriend. Good one, Meredith.

Kaiser’s take: Even though Meredith was trying to help, her approach was all wrong. “I felt that was very disrespectful,” Kaiser says. “She was trying to impress, but when you’re in somebody else’s home, you have to honor it. Try saying, ‘I’d love to contribute to tomorrow’s morning breakfast; can I use the kitchen to make a dish from my family?’”

Lesson 6: Don’t dump your boyfriend for his brother. At least wait until you get home.

Scenario: In “The Family Stone,” Everett brings his girlfriend, Meredith, home to meet the family and propose to her. Then he falls for her sister, Julie (Claire Danes), and even slips the engagement ring on her finger, where it gets stuck. Real smooth.

Kaiser’s take: Getting together for the holidays made the couple realize they’re not really meant for each other. “What he should have said is, ‘We’re not right for each other but I really like your sister,’” Kaiser says. “End the relationship, get your ex’s blessing, give it some time and then move forward. If you end up marrying into that family and not respecting the fact that you were in this former relationship, they’re going to hold it against you.”

Jessica is a staff writer for The Mercury News in San Jose. This article is available in full here and was orignially printed on November 19, 2007.

Photo courtsey of 20th Centrury Fox