ChickSpeak

Like every other girl, you will have all kinds of crushes through the years, but the most complicated crush ever will be the one you develop on the “untouchable” lover.

You know, the guy who is a major heartbreaker without even knowing he is. He’s that guy who is inhumanly beautiful and implausibly nice, irresistible and, go figure… five years deep into a relationship. He’s that guy who shows his sensitive side, coming to you for advice and consolation… but naturally, he’s also the guy your best friend just broke up with. The untouchable lover is the guy you want, but can’t possibly have-at least, not in good conscience.

How do you know it’s him?

Ladies, you’ll know him when he comes, because the untouchable guy has extreme effects on you. He’s not just the Prince Charming you’d like to have, but the one you desire so strongly that a late-night text message from him immediately makes your heart speed up and your cheeks flush and your palms sweat, like you’re thirteen years old and in middle school again. Even if the message is as simple as “Do you know what’s due in class tomorrow?” or “Do you have [random person you’re both acquainted with]’s phone number?” you’ll be up all night tossing and turning and willing yourself to stop thinking about him.

This guy completely alters your physical state and your mental state, but (and here’s the big question)… is it because he really is all he’s cracked up to be, or is it because you’ve created such an illusion out of him? The latter demonstrates the danger of an untouchable lover: he could possibly be just a glorified version of any ordinary (and oftentimes disappointing) guy, a mere figment of your imagination.

No girl is immune to the power of untouchables, including celebrities. Good luck opening a tabloid and not seeing the latest Angie-Brad-and-Jen gossip. Rumor has it that Jen has become re-obsessed with her should-be-untouchable ex-husband… but why? Is he really the same guy she once fell in love with? Or, is she just hooked because she can’t have him anymore, now that he’s married to Angie and fathering enough kids to open a day care?

 Let’s face it: most girls, including celebrities like Jen, desire what they can’t have, because the thrill is in “the chase,” and in the unknown.

Ever seen My Best Friend’s Wedding? Endings are rarely happy for those who decide to jump on in to taboo relationships. Julianne (Julia Roberts) doesn’t win over her engaged best friend at the end of the movie, even though she puts herself out there while trying. It’s true that people do strange things for love, but embarrassing things can be-and should be-avoided.

So, what now?

So, before you start doodling hearts into your notebooks and connecting every song on the radio to your feelings of attraction for that practically-married Romeo figure or your best friend’s far-from-sloppy seconds, consider the consequences of the risky situation you’re about to partake in. Realize that you’re probably throwing practicality out the window.

How many people could potentially get hurt from your irrepressible (yet totally inappropriate) crush? Above all, do you risk embarrassing yourself? Chances are, the answer to this one is yes. Chances are, Romeo’s not going to suddenly fall at your feet and tell you he’s been waiting for someone to help him escape from his five-year relationship… and throwing yourself out there for your best friend’s ex is certainly going to put your friendship on the line. Letting go of strong desires will be difficult, but it’s the smartest move. I mean, come on, Jen’s certainly not building up a fan club by interfering with her ex’s marriage.

For now, leave the “untouchable”  guy exactly as he is… untouchable. As many a wise person has said, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Find one who’s still unhooked.

Jordan Oliver, a junior at Ursinus College on her way to earning a BA in English, journals about untouchable guys and catches up on all the latest tabloids. She aspires to one day contribute to the Ok! gossip.