ChickSpeak

As chicks ourselves, we know the everyday woman’s life is full of internal questions. From what accessory is the best for spring and what foods are best to prevent bloating to how to deal with technology and get through a breakup -we are always wondering how to do something.

ChickSpeak wants to help you field these questions by giving you an honest, open-hearted and candid reply. While we’re in no means experts on any topic -we have all been in a similar situation, and can relate by sharing advice and suggestions to make the decision easier.

If you have any questions about anything (and yes, we mean anything), e-mail us at chickspeak.editor@gmail.com or ask us on Facebook or Twitter. You can ask anonymously or share your name (we know some questions are a little bit too touchy to put your name next to!).

Ask the Chicks will come out every Monday, so don’t sweat if we don’t get back to you immediately!

For the first edition, ChickSpeak’s founder, Christina tackles your questions:

Dear Chicks,

I have been going to NYC to see a man I met online a few months ago. I live in the South. We became loving wonderful friends and more. He said he hadn’t been serious with anyone for a while until he met me.

That was Saturday. Monday morning he emailed me that he can’t deal with long distance and said goodbye. I’m hurt and confused. What should I do? He said if he had met anyone he would have told me and now he needs time to think. WHY? -Confused in Carolina

Dear Carolina,

Well, it sounds like there are a few red flags here. Because I don’t believe in sugar coating or letting other chicks get hurt if it can at all be avoided, I’m going to lay it out for you. It sounds like you felt a pretty strong connection to this man, so much so that you have spent time and probably money going to New York to visit him. You however did not mention the travel being reciprocal.

First red flag: unless there is a very good reason why he’s not able to come down south to see you and take you out, (ie: he has a horribly rare disease which prevents him from physically getting into a bus, car, train or plane) you should not be taking it upon yourself to cross state lines to see him. It might sound archaic since we’re all liberated and empowered and blah, blah, blah…but there is something really important about letting a man be a man and work for your affection.

So often in the early stage of a romance, we tend to project the qualities that we hope to find onto a man before he has demonstrated them. Simply put, we fall in love with potential and possibilities first, then wonder time and time again why some men never live up to what we thought we had or could have with them.

Second red flag: You spent a weekend together, maybe stayed together and did whatever felt right in the moment, then rather than calling you to talk about what was going on in his head, he e-mailed you. Not hot.

Carolina, regardless of what you keep telling yourself about how e-mails and texts are the norm for communication these days, with matters of the heart; wouldn’t you have liked to get at least a phone call? It strikes me as a pretty weak way to put the brakes on your budding relationship. I can understand why you’re confused and upset and that you’re probably spending a lot of energy going over every scenario of what happened, wondering if you said or did something or if he will come around again.

Bottom line: If a man likes you and wants to date you, he will find a way. He will travel. He will call you. He will value you enough to work for you. Your job is to act like the treasure you are and be confident that you don’t have to give any part of yourself (not your heart, body or mind) to someone else until it is earned. Period.

Right now, you need to focus on matters at hand and what you can control, and honey, you can’t control him. Step back and ask yourself in your heart of hearts if you felt like he was really giving you the respect and love you crave. Write down how you want to be treated in a good relationship- one that is mutual. When you are ready, go out and find a man who meets those standards and don’t ever look back.

Be Strong, Christina

Dear Chicks,

For a 21-year-old single woman, how many sexual partners is too many? - Wondering in Washington

Dear Wondering,

I feel strongly that this is completely a personal and case-by-case issue, so I’m going to address what I think is the question behind your question. Are you worried that perhaps you have been with too many guys and are concerned that when you meet the right guy (the one you’ll want to settle down with), that he’ll freak out and think less of you if you tell him your number?  

If you are wondering whether your past will come back to bite you, I’d encourage you to do some soul searching. There’s no secret that sex is a great thing, but when it’s misused to get attention, boost low self-esteem or manipulate a situation, it’s not so good.

Take stock of your past. If any of your experiences fall into one of the “not so good” categories above, change your behavior moving forward. Love yourself enough to make better decisions and trust that when you do meet the right guy, things will be fine. Everyone has a past. It’s how we use the wisdom found in those experiences moving forward - starting today- that defines us.

Love, Christina

Dear Chicks,

How do you deal with traditional family members when you want to have a non-traditional wedding? I’m an atheist and I want to wear a pink wedding dress but making my old school religious grandparents and in-laws happy is going to be difficult. Any advice? -Pretty in Pink

Dear Pretty,

I am all for keeping peace in the family and respecting the wishes of your grandparents and in-laws in many cases, however, Chickadee, this day isn’t about them. Assuming they already know you’re not exactly straight-edged or religious, do you really think they’d be shocked if you did walk down the aisle in a non-traditional dress and kept religion downplayed or out all together?

As a full-fledged adult and the bride-to-be, you can wear pink if that’s what you really want to do. If anyone balks, show him or her pictures of Lady GaGa at the Grammys as a reminder that your choice in outfit was ultimately quite demure.

It’s easy to loose sight of the things that are really important amongst all the details when planning a wedding. Beyond anything, ask yourself what things you will remember five, 10 or even 20 years from now about your wedding. Stick to your guns on those items.

Now, especially if other people are helping to pay for your shindig, do look for ways that you and your fiancé can communicate your plans and manage expectations of family members.

Maybe give your loved ones a nod at the wedding, not out of obligation, but out of your love for them. Check out the Anti-Bride guide for creative ideas. At one recent wedding, the bride and groom surprised both sets of parents by playing their first dance wedding songs and toasted to their marriages. I can promise you that there wasn’t a dry eye in the place after that, and no one even thought twice about the less than traditional cake or the music the DJ spun that normally would have raised a lot of grey eyebrows.

Rock on, Christina

Christina Twomey is the founder of ChickSpeak and the best big sister you could ever ask for- she’ll give heartfelt, time-tested advice, but she will never borrow your clothes or rat you out to mom. Keep the questions coming!

E-mail your questions to chickspeak.editor@gmail.com, or ask us on Facebook or Twitter, either anonymously or provide your name!