ChickSpeak

In the world of dating, whenever the phrase, “We need to talk,” comes up, both women and men generally anticipate an upcoming conversation capable of destroying a warm and comfortable relationship within just a few short minutes. Men, in particular, seem to cringe at this little statement and try to avoid it at all costs, usually trying to change the subject in a very subtle and clever way. 

Once Mr. R proposed, I seriously hoped he would be open to more of these surprise attack conversations; after all, I would want his opinion on a number of things to do with our wedding, from choosing our ‘colors,’ to deciding what flavor of cake would complement our catered meal, to choosing approximately thirty five songs to have played at our reception. 

“Surely,” I thought, “he will want to get just as involved in planning this massive occasion in both our lives as I will be.” But when I would plop down beside him with a stack of bridal magazines and books and say excitedly, “We need to talk,” poor Mr. R. would slowly turn his eyes from the episode of Dirty Jobs, glance at the pile of magazines I could barely carry on my own, and then looked back at me with a shudder of pure dread.

I am familiar with this particular ‘look’- Mr. R develops it when he is faced with a task he would rather not do, like when I ask him to leave his warm spot under the covers to go turn off the kitchen light someone accidentally left on. It is not a look of fear or anger or contempt, but one of simple distress.  

His voiced raised an octave (a trait that comes with his ‘look’-they are a package deal), he mumbled out two simple little words: “During commercials.” Now, at this point in a conversation between a bubbly bride-to-be and her fuddy-duddy fiancé things could take a turn for the worse. 

For instance, the bride could pout or cry for the rest of the day till she got her way, leaving the groom not only miserable with choosing between the aquamarine and turquoise bridesmaid dresses. The other possibility is the groom refuses to murmur an answer to any question with more than two letters, dealing a heavy blow to the bride’s dream of planning the most important day of their lives together. This reaction also holds the possibility of scaring her away from ever asking him to participate in any other activity as their years together progressed, convinced he would take the same cold, apathetic approach as he did to planning the wedding. 

I pondered all this as I sat there flipping through page after page of gorgeous gowns, sparkling jewels, a thousand different tuxedo styles, and favors to fit any theme I could possibly pick for our wedding. Through our entire relationship, it has been incredibly important to me to never ‘make’ Mr. R do anything…asking him was perfectly okay, but pulling a tantrum worthy of a three-year-old leaving Wal-Mart’s toy aisle empty handed would not suffice in Mr. R’s book and certainly not in mine. 

After weighing several more options, like bombarding him with questions on long road trips where he was stuck with me or asking him to play ‘Twenty Questions’ with me half a billion times, I still felt like I was going to be left alone to plan this massive affair while Mr. R would get to kick back and relax for the next six months. 

Finally, I thought up an idea I considered brilliant and what made all of Mr. R’s male, married friends consider me the coolest fiancé in town.  A negotiation was in order: I agreed to let Mr. R avoid any talk of weddings for five days out of the week. However, his reprieve ended on both Tuesday and Thursday nights (when neither of us had prior obligations). After we clear away the dishes from dinner, we tend to snuggle together on the sofa (the TV always off) with my homemade wedding organizer, a hot pink trapper keeper (something Mr. R loves to tease me about constantly-”Didn’t we have to carry those in like the second grade?”). 

Dorky as it may be, I would not trade my notebook, as I prefer to call it, for its weight in gold; inside there are hundreds of papers, anything from contracts from vendors, pictures from magazines, and scribbled down notes from the books I was reading for much-needed advice.  Knowing our time set apart is short and my fiancé’s attention span to be even shorter, I always quickly fill him in on certain decisions I have already made without him, like who would be the provider of our cake or all about my sudden hatred for the color white, particularly bright white, as it was the one color capable of clashing horribly my elegant ivory gown. 

Quickly, I follow up with questions I need answers to; questions only he was able to answer: did he want a wool vest or a suede one? Who did he want to avoid inviting from his side of the family and which people from my family tended to make him uncomfortable and needed to at least be kept at a fair distance from us? Where was he thinking of taking us on our short, but fantastic, honeymoon? 

Every Tuesday and Thursday, this is how our evenings tend to go and we both feel content by the end of the our chat; I’m happy to have my soon-to-be husband’s opinion on all the little important details I normally have a difficult time choosing my favorite from, and Mr. R is satisfied in knowing he is not being a complete slacker when it comes to preparing for our big day.

We both knew marriage would mean getting accustomed to making sacrifices, compromises, and conciliations in certain circumstances, but we never knew it would start so soon-even before we have exchanged any vows. But, looking at how civilly we came to a pleasing agreement for both of us in this sticky situation, we are hopeful we can continue to employee the practice of negotiating. Don’t be afraid to give it a go with your fiancés chicks-he just may surprise you! 

Jessy Garrett loves thinking she will be marrying her better half in just a few days over two months.  Most of her wedding planning is finished and now she finds herself preparing to spend every weekend in the month of March attending either a housewarming shower, bachelorette party, or lingerie shower all being held in her & Mr. R’s honor, which they are incredibly humbled and honored by.  She loves crocheting, doing easy crossword puzzles online, and studying her Bible regularly.  Lately, she has been practicing Pilates with an exercise ball and loves how it stretches out her muscles and body, making her look as good as she feels.